Prelude to the 21 Jump Street Movie Review: A rant and explanation

Here's my review in a nutshell:  THIS MOVIE SUCKED!

And you know what scares the shit out of me?  I'M IN THE MINORITY ON THIS!

I guess in order to understand why I think this movie sucked, you need to understand what frame of mind I'm in.  So before I go into this review in detail, let me explain where I'm coming from.

I've been out of work for the better part of two years.  I've only been gainfully employed for the past month.  I have had no disposable income until this weekend.  So I obviously haven't been to the movies in awhile.  Also, I don't watch television (well, not on a TV, anyway), and I don't voluntarily watch movie trailers.  I just don't.  There are better things to waste my time with than commercials.

So if there was a hype machine for 21 Jump Street, I MISSED ALL OF IT.  All I knew about the movie was that 1) It was based on a TV show I happen to like, and 2) Johnny Depp would be reprising his role from said TV show.  And you know what?  That was enough to sell me.

So when I give a detailed review of this film, it'll be from the perspective of a fan of the TV series looking for something similar to the TV series.  So yes, I'll be grading based on accuracy and respect to the source material.  If you have a problem with that and snivel at me "Don't base your opinion on comparison to the source material!  Take it for what it is!", please understand that I will find you.  And also, please understand that when I do find you, I will slap you.  Vigorously.  As in, until either your face turns purple or the police come to pull me off of your dumb ass and taze me, bro.

Hey Hollywood, if you don't want me to compare your movie to the TV series "21 Jump Street," THEN DON'T FUCKING CALL YOUR MOVIE 21 JUMP STREET!  If you make a remake or a reboot or even an adaptation, people are going to compare it to the source material.  And yeah, on novel adaptations, I'll let a lot slide.  I get that it's hard as hell to make a 400 page book into a 2-hour movie.  But as for the rest, your titling of a movie or new TV series after an old movie or TV series is A FUCKING MARKETING PLOY TO GET A PRE-EXISTING FANBASE!  You know it, and I know it.  But guess what?  Those pre-existing brand names and that pre-existing fanbase comes with two pre-existing price tags: STANDARDS and EXPECTATIONS.  You'd better at least meet both of them.  Otherwise, I have another term for your reboot/remake:  FALSE ADVERTISING!  This whole "judge it on its own" crap is just a means of stemming the tide of the inevitable negative word-of-mouth advertising from the poor bastards who just had Hollywood's dick shoved into their mouths because they were fooled into thinking it was a candybar.  You know, people like me.

All I can say is, thank goodness the REAL 21 Jump Street is on Hulu, and I can watch squad cars doing physics-defying mid-air cartwheels on demand.  Shit, if I had known that I wasn't going to at least see THAT in that weak-ass fake movie, I wouldn't have wasted my time.
Coming up, the detailed review.